Shadows and Clouds

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” ~ Brené Brown

I snapped this shot of Pike's Peak last night (it's not the best photo, but...) because we loved how the clouds/fog were moving towards the peak from the left, and the peak itself still shines bright before it.

During my reading and connecting last night and this morning, I was thinking a lot about how that happens in life. I've talked to quite a few people lately either new to the diagnosis of liver disease, or seasoned veterans still trying to figure out new symptoms, or struggling with frustrations during doctor or hospital visits, or even those who have just lost a spouse, sibling, parent or child to this often unfathomable condition. It seems that the causes, symptoms and reactions of our bodies to it are polarizing different at times, yet there are many common threads. Mostly it's the initial fear...I've talked about that at length I know in previous posts. It can be like a fog rolls in, you're still in there, trying to live your life, but this shadow dims your vision, your drive, your desire to thrive.

One of the things that has helped me to lift that darkness has been opening up about it. Not being embarrassed or afraid, being vulnerable by laying it out here. Partly because it makes me examine what's happening almost as a 3rd party observer (I've talked about that too, I know)...instead of just sitting in the muck and stewing, I look from above, objectively. What needs to be done? If she (myself) were my best friend, what would I want for her? What would I give to her? Would I let her sit there like that and suffer? Of course not! Is it scary? Hell yeah it is! It seems so much easier to just hunker down and let someone take the reigns. But who? If I wait for each appointment, each test result, each opinion before I take action, I'm still miles behind in my recovery, aren't I? I'd rather read, study, learn, connect and maybe...just maybe...learn something that puts me closer to the truth than slide further into the darkness. Sure, I'll slip...I'll choose wrong, but at least I'm putting some groundwork down to have choices to examine.

I made a conscious choice, one by one to chuck damaging things out of my life, clean house, scrub away the dust, that's how I started. Once I felt that everything was gone that could hurt me I was afraid to add things back...what if I choose wrong? I was afraid to eat anything at first, due to so many opinions out there. So I had to turn off the chatter and look for facts. What is this sustenance here? Do I like it? Can it hurt me? Will it help heal me? If all the check marks are in place, I added it. If not...I will not add it back.

So where I'm going here, is to all of you who are trying to figure out how to take that first step forward, it's out there, and you will find your way back to a better, brighter place. I cannot promise that everything will happen exactly the same, but it will be an improvement. Keep trying, keep learning, and make room for joy and laughter, because that's healing too.

“I said: what about my eyes? He said: Keep them on the road. I said: What about my passion? He said: Keep it burning. I said: What about my heart? He said: Tell me what you hold inside it?

I said: Pain and sorrow. He said: Stay with it. The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”

― Rumi

Love, Sue

#healprydeliver #cirrhosis #nafld #nash #healing